For the past 12 years, I have been the primary caregiver for my wife who is living with Alzheimer’s. The years have been filled with both heartache and joy. I have learned a great deal about myself and the issues involved in caring for a loved one who is steadily fading away. I learned both from what I did and what I was unable to do.
One of most surprising things I’ve learned is the pricelessness of a good aide. If you have the financial resources to hire an aide, I recommend that you do so. Some lessons I’ve learned:
- Allow the aide and your care partner to build their own relationship. Your goal is twofold: to have them get so comfortable with each other that they can go on their own and you are comfortable allowing them to do so. Except for certain doctor’s appointments, my wife’s aide takes her everywhere.
- Provide your aides the freedom and responsibility to do their job. In the beginning, I spent more time with my wife and her aide; but as time went on and my trust increased, I spent less time with them.
- Learn from your aides. Your aides bring much experience to the job. Watch them and learn from them. Do not be afraid to ask questions as to why they are doing certain things. All the aides we have known have been more than willing to share their knowledge.
- Embrace the cultural differences. As our aides represent countries from every corner of the globe — Georgia, Mexico, Nigeria, Sierra Leone, Mali, Haiti, and Guyana — we’ve been privileged to embrace many aspects of these varied cultures. As food is a universal language, we’ve taken advantage of learning about and enjoying foods we’d never have otherwise experienced. These varied cultures now occupy an integral part of our lives, and what fun it’s been. Our aides have attended bar mitzvahs, graduation parties, Passover dinners, birthdays, bridal showers and family barbeques. They have become a part of our family.
The one abiding truth is that everyone’s story is different. You will be on an emotional roller coaster from early in the day to the time you turn out the lights — and often after that. Caregiving is filled with heartache and sadness. However, it does have moments of joy. It also provides real opportunities to learn and grow.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ira G. Asherman lives in New York City with his wife, Sandy. They are the founders of the Alzheimer’s Dementia Resource Center of NYC (adrcnyc.org).
